Charley had a hard time yesterday. I find myself saying that a lot. I warn friends "sure we'd love to see you but I'm not sure how long we will last - Charley's having a tough day"! Everyday is a tough day with little amazing moments sprinkled in. These moments get me through. Yesterdays moment was Charley wanting to hold Wesley before she went to school. When she's at school I get a huge break from the behaviors but it's never really a true break. I'm constantly worried that she is miserable or hurting herself or others. I'm rushing around trying to get all the stuff done that I'm not able to do when Charley's around. There is always some battle to fight with the insurance company or phone calls to make to doctors on Charley's behalf. There is never a dull moment that is for sure. Now I have Wesley to care for too which is more therapeutic and wonderful than it is stressful. That's if you don't count the no sleep element. I'm getting off track now. The point I want to make is that it's heartbreaking watching your child that you love SO much be trapped inside a body that is not working for her. I really try to stay up beat but last night I had a poor Charley poor me breakdown. She was screaming and hitting me all because she was tired and over stimulated. She woke up Wesley from his nap so he started crying. Keith was at a work thing. All I was trying to do was get Charley bathed and dressed for bed. She fought me the entire time. I just kept going with tears streaming down my face. In my head I was thinking - Are you freaking kidding me????? We do this every night!!! It's time to get dressed. WHY DO YOU FIGHT ME ON EVERYTHING??!!!! I just got through the fight, told her I love her, and put her to bed. WHY? I want to scream sometimes but then I remind myself I am not the first person to ever deal with behaviors like this and sadly I won't be the last. So to every parent who has ever cried because all you want if for your child to be happy - you are not alone. For everyone who has wondered why did this happen to my child - you are not alone. There is a community of us who struggle with our child's behavior/health. We have to keep going. We have to keep pushing forward and not shut down. Is it hard? YES! Do other people have it easier? YES - but some have it harder too. I am blessed with a beautiful life. A different life but a good one. I think the worst thing we can do as parents of special needs kids is close ourselves off from the outside world. It's so hard because it would be the easiest choice but it's not the best choice. I feel as if I just rambled on but I guess my point is: last night I was feeling my lowest and this morning I am full of hope. I will not give up! I am not alone! Mommy loves you Charley girl! P.S. if non of this makes sense please remember I'm sleep deprived and I wrote this while nursing a baby. ;)
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