Over the years I have seen the confusion and even shock on peoples faces. Sometimes it comes as I proudly show off pictures of my beautiful girl. "You take pictures of her just like I take pictures of my kids. I'm sorry I'm emotional I just never thought about it like that". Other times the looks appear as I loving wipe Charley's face or sweetly say calm hands please as she hits me. "Can't you get that kid under control". It is a labor of love - like being a parent to ANY child. There are good times and bad times. What I want you to see - what I need you to see - is that she is my hopes, my dreams, and my heart. I love her like you love your children. I pray for her. I have hopes for her. I have dreams for her. She is strong and brave in ways most can only imagine. She has brought more to my life then I ever imagined possible. Is it hard to learn that your child will have special needs? YES! Was I sad? YES! Was I scared? YES! The truth is I am still scared but for different reasons. I am scared that someone will miss treat her. I am scared I will not be enough for her. I am scared that you will look at her and only see her disabilities instead of ALL her amazing abilities. You see a girl in a wheelchair and it makes you uncomfortable - I see my miracle child who was never even suppose to make it. You see a child who screams and hits and think that there is nothing there - I see a child who is so ridiculously smart and so unbelievably frustrated she can't tell you. Every person with special needs was someones baby once; someones hopes and dreams. They are not loved less because of their needs they are loved more. They have been through surgeries and therapies just to do little things that most of us take for granted. Instead of thinking I could never do that or I don't know how you do it - think about how much you love your children then multiply it by 100 - we do it because it is what it is. We do it because that's our baby. The baby we prayed for and grew and delivered and love. It could just have easily been your child but instead it was mine. Please don't look at her and be sad that it is such hard work for her to walk 10 steps with a walker; be ecstatic that a child who was never even suppose to sit up is WALKING :). Please open your hearts to Charley and all of our children who are "different" because they are worth it and because they deserve it.
I wish that I had time everyday to blog. Like sitting down and writing in a journal - blogging is such a great outlet for me. I try not to be too negative in my post but unfortunately I mostly find time to blog when I am in desperate need of an outlet. So here I am exhausted and emotional blogging. Charley is in bed after a tough day and Wesley is asleep on my chest. Thank goodness for technology! I'm writing from my weebly app! Even if it's just for me - if no one else reads this - putting it all out here makes me feel better. It's like standing on the mountain top screaming until all your worries melt away. I need to scream so badly right now! I am so afraid. I'm afraid of not being enough for Charley and Wesley. I feel so beaten down - so exhausted. I feel that after almost seven years of Charley's behavior issues I'm all done. I want to be renewed and loving but my patience is worn so thin that I find myself being cold and ugly. Lately I've been saying don't touch me to Charley instead of the old have nice hands with mommy please. I've been getting hit or swiped at SO much that my reaction is rude and super disappointing. I'm trying not to beat myself up for my lack of patience but it's hard. I feel so negative so dark. I just want Charley to be happy and have nice hands. I want my prayers to be answered so until then I guess I have no choice but to try, to do better tomorrow and to keep praying. Going to try and get some sleep now....
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