I wish that I had time everyday to blog. Like sitting down and writing in a journal - blogging is such a great outlet for me. I try not to be too negative in my post but unfortunately I mostly find time to blog when I am in desperate need of an outlet. So here I am exhausted and emotional blogging. Charley is in bed after a tough day and Wesley is asleep on my chest. Thank goodness for technology! I'm writing from my weebly app! Even if it's just for me - if no one else reads this - putting it all out here makes me feel better. It's like standing on the mountain top screaming until all your worries melt away. I need to scream so badly right now! I am so afraid. I'm afraid of not being enough for Charley and Wesley. I feel so beaten down - so exhausted. I feel that after almost seven years of Charley's behavior issues I'm all done. I want to be renewed and loving but my patience is worn so thin that I find myself being cold and ugly. Lately I've been saying don't touch me to Charley instead of the old have nice hands with mommy please. I've been getting hit or swiped at SO much that my reaction is rude and super disappointing. I'm trying not to beat myself up for my lack of patience but it's hard. I feel so negative so dark. I just want Charley to be happy and have nice hands. I want my prayers to be answered so until then I guess I have no choice but to try, to do better tomorrow and to keep praying. Going to try and get some sleep now....
Dearest Alicia;
I am sure there are days and perhaps even weeks where you thgink you can not do this anymore.... I have no idea how you manage things as well as you always seem to have done. Taking care of a special needs child for over 10 years and now a 7 month old has to be very stressfull. I hope that your husband helps you with both chidren not just Wesley. I also do not now how much help you can get from the state, but you need an outlet to keep yourself sane. Are you all attending church like you wanted too? I am sure that is a difficult situation too with Charley and her unpredictable moods. I know prayer helps me even though church is not in my situation right now and has not been for several years. When I need God closer to me I go outside and talk to him. That is my church and it helps. You may not think this will help you since I know you pray everyday, more than once a day. How I wish we could come see you and lift your spirits but please now that I talk to God about you and Charley at least once a day too.
I hope that Jacob is being some help. He does not talk to us much since Charles forgets things easily. I think it upsets him to know his father will never be the same man he was. Jacob just needs to try to accept it as I have done and stay in touch with Charles.
I am soi sdorry we missed your call last week and hope Charley is doing better from her prcedures.
Please call anytime if you need to talk. you can call anytime. I keep my cell phone by the bed at night as well as the house phone so even if it is midnight I will be happy to hear from you.
Lots of love and many blessings; Linda
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My Name is Alicia
I am a stay at home Mom sharing my struggles & joys that come with raising a child who has special needs. Welcome to my blog.